VERONICA KUFFEL

Departure Log 7:

River Rockin’ Anxiety – Hurricane, UT

NOVEMBER 3-4, 2022

“A Troubled Mind” – Noah Kahan, 2020

Really all of Kahan’s “Cape Elizabeth” EP is relatable to this moment.

St. George, UT is beautiful, but it isn’t very big. The town, I mean. Thundering mountains and a euphoria of nature make up for its lack of city life. I couldn’t make out much of a mom and pop downtown, either. There is this one cafe, though, that seems to hold all of the small town culture within it.

River Rock Roasting Company is a sweet spot on the highway between St George and sister town La Verkin. It’s a large, warehouse-like building that serves great food and better coffee. They have a bit of a merch shop with locally screen-printed shirts. I bought an oversized green tee I wear a lot. Mostly for the gym and tough mental days.

After Angel’s Landing, I wore that shirt a lot.

And I spent two days in this coffee shop. I hate to admit it, but the trip got to me. I gave myself no proper rest and chugged along for two weeks. I hiked tough trails with few breaks. I kept forcing myself to do fun and interesting things. When I’d call my parents, I’d joke with them to cope.

“I’d pass a landmark and say, ‘oh look, another beautiful mountain,” I’d chuckle. I’d seen so many beautiful things, and my capacity to appreciate them was depleting. What was once awe-inspiring turned anxiety-inducing.

So I found River Rock as a necessary refuge. I’d like to say I was writing and “working,” but really, I was playing Minecraft. I’d call my friends and see what they were up to and sip on diluted iced lattes. For meals and people breaks I’d go out to my van. I even treated myself to a scone or two.

But I was worried about myself. I was worried about my future and what was next after the van. My hands lightly trembled throughout the days; it even caused me to make some mistakes on my pixelated block farm.

There wasn’t enough coffee or game time to really get me through it, but writing helped. It always helps. Looking back at my notes, I made some revelations that really taught me about, well, me.

“I am weathered and out of my usual routine. I’ve discovered that I need a routine to keep me centered. I can’t live like this without some facet of work and somewhat stationary.” (Nov. 3)

I thought a lot about my past dreams, how even as a kid, the thought of a 9-5 made me sick to my stomach. After college, I worked three part time jobs instead of succumbing to full time work. Even when I did settle into a career position, it was fully remote. I could work on my own time and away from an office.

For a long time, I thought this was the life for me–a small, mobile home, living within my means and jobless. All I would do is write and explore. A job was the equivalent of a cage. I won’t go any further because I’m sure you’ve heard that idea in more dramatic words–I’m intense but at least I get to the point.

But truly, my very own Walden. A life where I was free to do what I want, when I wanted. And yet, when I got it, it was too much for me.

The living was fine–I’m pretty minimal. My bed was comfy and I didn’t mind showering and using the bathroom in public spaces. Part of it was definitely the size of Walie, but still. It wasn’t the issue.

It was waking up and not having a purpose, having no larger project or tasks to work on. Wandering aimlessly sounds great until you wander around aimlessly. I think some people are equipped for it, but as it turned out, I wasn’t one of those people. And it was for the exact reason I thought I wanted this life.

It was then I reevaluated my plans. Nothing specific–I just knew I needed some form of normalcy and routine.

The second day I was able to get myself out and see Zion one last time. I rode the shuttle down the line, listening to our driver Ana sing her Latin music along the way. My brain still begged me to dissociate in the van or cafe, but I knew a short hike would do me some good.

I was able to win the mental fight and hiked a small foot path to the Narrows, the other infamously difficult Zion trail. For those unaware, the Narrows is a ten mile round-trip hike basically through a river. The water is ice-cold around now, even in Utah. The Riverside Walk itself is a peaceful and easy entry to it. 

I sat on a rock and ate my date bar, watching groups brave the waters with heavy duty boots and poles. Instead of forcing some reaction to the canyon, I just let it be. It was refreshing.

I took the shuttle back down and stopped for another hike at the Emerald Pools Trail. I again passively admired the water as I walked.

I got back to the visitor center around three and decided I was done exploring the area. I sorted out my van and drove with St. George and River Rock behind me. It was time to wrap up the adventure, and I planned to shorten it by a few days.

About two hours later I drove into Coconino County–my next stop, Page, AZ. I passed through towns with boats parked outside houses. I found it so odd that homes in the desert have such big boats with so little water. But in their defense, Page is home to Lake Powell, a large reservoir that trickles up as far as Canyonlands.

I drove around the area, visiting the Glen Canyon Dam and paying the $10 to see the overcrowded HorseShoe Bend. Other than that, Page is much like St. George. Although stores are closer together, there’s still more outdoor recreation than town.

I always assumed because there were so many attractions, the cities next to them would be touristy and colorful, but the UT/AZ border proved otherwise.

I found a dispersed campground in the middle of the desert, the Arizona desert no doubt. I decided I would stay for a bit of the Balloon Regatta Festival the next day–just enough to see some hot air balloons take off–and then leave after lunch.

At least, that was the thought. Little did I know, I would be staying in Page much longer than I intended. Little did I know, Walie wasn’t doing too hot.

The next day, I got news that sputtered and rolled me off the highway. I was scared and alone in the desert, four hours away from my final destination.

Oh, what a new and unexpected adventure I was about to brave.