VERONICA KUFFEL

NOVEMBER, 2022

“Hand Me Downs” – Mac Miller, 2020

It’s been about a month since I landed in Tucson. As great as it’s been, I’ve been suspended in this weird fog. It’s kept my brain buzzing and my heart beating a little too quick.

Ironically, the past few days have been rainy and the mountains are covered in thick clouds. Rain swims down the glass and the sun fades behind it. The gray day is slowly getting darker.

Here’s what I’ve been up to.

Thanks to my uncle’s family, I was able to stay in their guest house with my cousin, Annamaria. We’ve been living in a two-bedroom with a jack and jill-style bathroom. It’s nice. I’m grateful that I can wake up and stand straight in the morning. It’s… actually better than nice. It’s a blessing.

The first week my family celebrated my arrival with a trip to Rocky Point, MX. Again, so appreciative of their hospitality and kindness.

I started freelancing for Tucson Weekly, one of the newspapers in the city. I got to meet with Ballet Tucson and “Top Chef” alum Brian Hill for a few articles. I even had a job at a grocery store for a little bit.

I’ve been pumping out my travel entries and editing my next movie. I’ve been going to the gym. Not eating amazing, but well enough. All in all, I’ve been pretty busy.

But something is missing. I have everyone I need in my life, I just finished the first part of my van travels and I’m making my content. Yet I’m restless. No, that’s not the right word. I feel like I’m… drifting.

I guess that’s fitting, I have been drifting a bit. Most days my brain feels like old tv static, buzzing along with a dull headache. While this trip has been so worthwhile, I’ve definitely learned a lot about myself. First, I need a routine. I need something to work towards.

The spontaneity of the road gets old after a while. The mental fatigue is very, very real. I never thought I’d miss the day in and day out–getting up, working out, going to work, creating content and repeat. But here I am with Anni in her U of A building, dreaming of structure.

It’s a little more complicated than that, though. For the past two years, I felt somewhat similar. That dull buzzing. That dream of life on the road, getting out of the day to day and waking up in a new place every day. That whole time I thought leaving would solve my problems.

I left, and I’m still an old tv. I’ve been reflecting on it, or trying to get above the noise.

There’s that cliche you always hear about how people always look to the future and don’t live in the present. They’re always looking for the next new thing and saying “then I will be happy.” Well, here’s my take on it–if you’d like to stick around for it. Up to you.

I, like many people, am a case study for this. In grade school, I dreamed about high school; high school to college; college to van; van to career. I’m skipping over so many other examples, but you get the point.

There were big reasons to look forward to a lot of those. But with each “thing” that passes, that gets less and less.

I’m starting to think that maybe the solution isn’t waiting and dreaming for the next thing to come along. It seems a lot more complicated than just goal completion, but it can’t be too far off.

I’ve touched on this before in my last Departure article. I may even expand into a different entry regarding further reflection. But I will share a theory.

Maybe it’s a balance of goals and sensations. With too many goals, I start to get overwhelmed. Even if I complete them, I’m left feeling empty until I find another one to focus on. With too many sensations–meaning food, sleep, travel, recreation–I get mentally exhausted and overly anxious. I beat myself up for not accomplishing anything.

Here is my three-fold solution:

1. Micro and Macro Goals – Along with Macro Goals, I will keep Micro goals for the day to day. Nothing too intense, just things I need to do to keep my routine in check.
2. Sufficient Rest Days – Giving myself the opportunity to sit back and take a break. Maybe just focus on my content or even just play video games. Maybe go out for a walk or a hike. But mainly, I’ll let my brain buzz and sit with it.
3. Writing Daily – Words always help. Whether journaling, note-taking, poetry or stories, words always help. They make everything… make sense. It may help cut through all the static.

We’ll see how things go. Winter is coming, and I’ll fly back to MN for a month to visit friends and family. I’m looking into work for next spring, whether part-time, full-time or seasonal. I don’t even know where.

It’s like they say–the world is your oyster. But for now, it’s just raining.